


In the space that fills forever

by thegirl20



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2013-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-27 10:10:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/660757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirl20/pseuds/thegirl20
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inara and Kaylee did not speak one word to one another onscreen in 'Serenity'. So here's my interpretation of what went on offscreen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the space that fills forever

Inara was lying when she told Mal that she didn’t believe he’d come. In the deepest recesses of her mind, she knew he’d come. That’s why she did it. There were ways and means of getting information across the verse. She could have warned them somehow, made sure they stayed far away. But she didn’t. For one reason, and one reason only; she wanted him to come for her.   
  
She knows she should feel badly for her actions. She put a ship full of people she thinks of as her friends in mortal danger. But even as she bickers with him over control of the shuttle, she makes peace with herself. She is going home.  
  
~  
  
As they near Serenity, Inara’s chest grows tighter with every second. Her hands are clumsy as she tries to dock and it takes three attempts to get the shuttle safely aligned with the ship. His comments on her piloting abilities do nothing to soothe her nerves. He heads for the shuttle door but she sits and listens to the pounding of her heart, trying in vain to bring it under control.  
  
She forces herself to stand, the distinctive scent of the old cargo ship tickling her nose as she approaches the door. Before she reaches the opening she hears the thud of worker boots on the metal staircase. She steps out just as Kaylee reaches the landing. They stand, frozen. From somewhere she conjures up the power of speech.  
  
“Hey you.”  
  
Kaylee doesn’t reply, choosing instead to rush headlong into her arms. And she knows in that moment that  _this_  is the precise reason she came back. Just like it was the precise reason she left.  
  
She closes her eyes and concentrates on holding Kaylee. On remembering everything she’s tried so desperately to forget. The smell of engine oil, the warmth that radiates from Kaylee’s skin, the strength in the arms squeezing the breath out of her. Warm tears trickle down Inara’s neck as Kaylee presses her face there.   
  
The rest of the crew are beginning to assemble down below and Inara knows she can’t keep her composure much longer. She gently pulls Kaylee’s chin up so that she can see her face. What she sees shocks her. Despite the tear tracks, there is a hardness that she can not recall ever seeing before in the young mechanic. She glances to the side, Jayne and Zoë have come up the stairs and are leaning on the railing. Now is not the time for conversations of a personal nature. She keeps her hand on Kaylee’s jaw but draws back out of the embrace. She smiles her practiced smile.  
  
“I’ve missed you.”  
  
Kaylee’s eyes flash with something she can’t quite identify. She shrugs and pulls her face away from the soft hand resting on her cheek.  
  
“’S’what happens when you leave someone, I guess.”  
  
The words hits Inara harder than expected and she physically recoils, before collecting herself again.   
  
“I’m thinkin’ we should get to talkin’ ‘bout your little Alliance friend, don’t you?”  
  
For once, Mal’s voice is welcome and she nods quickly. She purposefully doesn’t look at Kaylee as she passes her. She can’t take the look of bitter hurt in those eyes. Not again.  
  
~  
  
She is all business as they discuss the Operative’s interest in River. She relays facts and opinions. And she stands as close to Kaylee as she feels is decent, given the reception she received earlier. But she is unable to stop herself from moving closer and reaching out when she sees Kaylee jump in fear at Jayne’s raised voice. Her gesture is neither welcomed nor rejected and she quickly drops her hand to her side again.  
  
The space is suddenly suffocating and she runs after Mal, as much to breathe as anything else. His words are harsh and unforgiving, he pulls no punches.  
  
 _“I wish like hell you was elsewhere.”_  
  
But despite the lack of anything resembling a warm welcome, Inara can’t wish herself back to the training house. She’d rather be on this ship, fighting this fight, than in that quiet, safe place where no-one yelled or got dirty or gave a damn.   
  
~  
  
Her footsteps are soft as she approaches the engine room, still unsure of herself. She hovers in the doorway, catching sight of Kaylee, body half hidden inside the engine. For a second she considers turning away, unwilling to face the pain again. But she forces herself to move into the room, clears her throat gently.  
  
Kaylee stands up but does not turn around. She knows who’s there.   
  
“I…I wanted…”  
  
Inara’s voice falters in a throat tight with unfamiliar emotion. She attempts a deep breath, in and out, to centre her thoughts. But it turns into a strangled sob. She covers her mouth with her hand and closes her eyes. She hears Kaylee draw nearer, some tool dropped with a careless clang on the way.  
  
“Gorramit, ‘Nara, don’t do this.”  
  
She opens her eyes to see an epic battle take place, clear as day, on the young woman’s face. Kaylee’s hands come up to her cheeks, both thumbs swiping under wet eyes, but her head shakes deliberately from side to side.   
  
“You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to go away an’ then come back when it suits ya. ‘Xpectin’ me to be all lovelorn and grateful to see you.”  
  
She brings her own hands up and covers Kaylee’s, pulling them down but holding them lightly. Relief floods her body when Kaylee tightens her grip.  
  
“I don’t expect anything of you, Kaylee. And I’m sorry to cause you such distress. I…I wanted to see you again so badly that I didn’t think of the hurt it would cause.”  
  
Kaylee sighs and her eyes soften.  
  
“That’s not the cause of it. The hurtin’ started the day you said you were leavin’. And it ain’t stopped since.”  
  
Kaylee has always had a talent for speaking the truth, and sometimes, like now, it physically pains Inara to hear it.  
  
“You do understand though, why I had to leave?”  
  
Kaylee smiles sadly and another piece of her heart breaks.  
  
“Can’t say as I do, ‘Nara. I know what you said. Guild law and strikin’ off and the like. But that don’t tell me how you can say that you love me…how you can hold me like you did and make me feel like you did and then leave on account of some silly rules.”  
  
Kaylee pulls her hands away and turns, wiping at her nose with her sleeve before continuing.  
  
“But I reckon that’s your job, ain’t it? Makin’ people feel special when you don’t feel nothin’.”  
  
The air leaves her body. She grabs Kaylee and turns her around, holding her by the shoulders.  
  
“No, Bao-bei. You can’t think that. Tell me you don’t think that.”   
  
Kaylee shrugs.   
  
“Tell me what I’m s’posed to think, ‘Nara.”  
  
She can express her opinion fluently on a thousand subjects. She can talk of love in the abstract for hours. But confronted with her own feelings she finds herself mute, only able to communicate with action.  
  
The kiss is anything but graceful or refined. Teeth clash and lips bruise as she pulls Kaylee against her, trying to convey a depth of feeling she doesn’t even understand herself. Kaylee’s hands tangle desperately in her hair.  
  
A shout goes up in the corridor, tearing them out of the embrace. River has escaped. Kaylee stumbles backwards, away from her and towards the door.  
  
“I…I can’t do this ‘Nara. Not again.”  
  
Then she is gone. Inara falls to her knees and cries.  
  
~  
  
She buries her face into Kaylee’s pillow in an attempt to banish the images of Haven from her memory. The familiar scent is momentarily comforting, but all too soon the faces come back. She’s done her bit in turning the ship into an abomination but she can’t watch the rest of the preparations.   
  
She hears the whish of the steps coming down but can’t lift her head. Only when the bed dips with extra weight does she turn onto her back. Kaylee looks down at her with hollow eyes, the life seemingly sapped out of her over the past few hours. Inara reaches up and pulls her down, a solid, real weight on top of her.  
  
This time the kiss is not desperate or rushed. It is slow and reassuring.   
  
Her hands make light work of the buttons on Kaylee’s dirty overalls. Kaylee sits up and kicks her boots off, yanking her overalls down roughly. She moves up behind Kaylee, not willing to be separated from the touch of her skin. She sweeps away messy hair and presses her lips to the racing pulse in Kaylee’s neck. She is not allowed to remain still for long as Kaylee turns and pushes her back down onto the bed and crawls up her body.  
  
They tussle gently for dominance and for all Kaylee’s wiry strength, she does not have Inara’s decades of experience in the art of manipulation and soon she is on her back. Inara drops a hard kiss of possession on Kaylee’s lips before kissing a line down her neck and between her breasts. Kaylee slides her fingers into Inara’s hair and urges her back up.  
  
“I want you up here with me,” she breathes and Inara acquiesces.   
  
There are no formalities. Just two lovers who know each other well. Inara knows what Kaylee needs. And Inara needs to show Kaylee that there is still light and beauty and love in the verse, to take away the atrocities she has been forced to witness.  
  
She kisses Kaylee’s lips once as her hand dances over her hip, pulling underwear aside and moving to where she is needed most. Kaylee gasps. Inara slides her arm under Kaylee’s head, bringing their noses into contact.  
  
“Open your eyes.”  
  
Kaylee meets Inara’s gaze and holds it, panting with need and frustration and hate and love. Inara keeps her eyes locked on Kaylee’s, sweat mingling on their foreheads. Kaylee’s arms wrap tightly around Inara’s back, as if Inara’s body were the only thing anchoring her to reality. Inara keeps a steady rhythm, adding pressure with her hand and pressing kisses with her mouth. Kaylee holds out for as long as she can, but soon she is crying out and shuddering against Inara.  
  
Inara remains close, her cheek against Kaylee’s cheek, her hand between Kaylee’s thighs. She waits until Kaylee’s breathing has evened out before lifting her head. Tears stain Kaylee’s cheeks and Inara leans back in to kiss them away.  
  
Kaylee shifts onto her side, drawing Inara’s arm around her waist so that they are spooned together on the narrow bed.  
  
“This don’t mean you’re stayin’.”  
  
There’s no question in it. And it requires no answer. Inara settles her chin on Kaylee’s shoulder and closes her eyes.  
  
~  
  
She barely remembers the events on Miranda. Her body survived on instinct long after her mind had closed down all rational thought. She remembers thinking that she would surely die. There was no question in her mind as she watched them fall, one by one, all far stronger and far more skilled than she was. She would die, they all would.   
  
But she didn’t die. She is alive.   
  
She mourns for Wash and Book, but privately she rejoices in the survival of the others. Of her family.  
  
Kaylee’s words ring in her mind.  
  
 _“This don’t mean you’re stayin’.”_  
  
And suddenly she’s not so sure. She could go back to her life at the Training House. Back to the quiet calm. Or she could stay and show Kaylee that she can break the rules when the rules warrant breaking. And it’s not until Mal questions her that she makes up her mind.  
  
“You ready to get off this heap and back to a civilised life?”  
  
“I uh…”  
  
He stops and turns back to look at her.  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
He smiles.  
  
“Good answer.”  
  
And it does feel good. Not to know. Not to be sure that the way of the Guild is the only way. To be open to a future that isn’t laid out for her. A future that might hold a semblance of a normal life. If life aboard Serenity could ever be classed as normal. But if she can find even a sliver of the happiness that Zoë and Wash shared in their short time together she will know her life has meaning.  
  
A smile creeps over her lips as she turns and heads to the engine room. To Kaylee.


End file.
